ITS GETTING WORSE

05/06/2021, 02:55:43 AM

Writing in the middle of the night. Crying and crying. I don't know what is happening to myself. I didn't get hurt. I am supposed okay right now. I tried to be okay. I am trying to not making people annoyed with me. 

I need someone. I cant stay alone. I cant stay quiet. I cant stop to texting people. But I know its going to make people annoyed with me. Not all people like to being disturbed.

Whenever I am thinking to not making people annoyed and I have to stand by myself, I cried. I dont know why. 

I am sorry to being so childish and dependent. 

Am I getting worse?

MENTAL HEALTH

My mental health at the moment is not really in a good state. 

Easily to cry and lots of crying scene in a week

Easily to feel down

Easily to feel alone

Easily to give up

Tend to do nothing even though I have lots of work

I am not the past few months person

Lazy and very lazy

I even feel sad with myself

I feel like my laugh is a fake. I will suddenly stop laughing when I say its fake because I try to laugh to something that not really a joke. I don't know why I cut my laugh.

GAMBLING

When u chose someone it doesn’t mean that u found the right one. 

Life is gambling. 

We never know what would comes and happens in future. 

We will never be able to expect on someone. 

Regardless up or downgrading the life doesn’t mean u are better than someone else’s. 

It is good if u are better and rizq for ur partner.

But whenever and wherever ur, never ever downgrading people.

LET IT GO

Sometimes it comes when the time is not right. 

Sometimes it does not meant for u. 

It’s hard and hurting. 

Everybody knows. 

If it belongs to u it will stay. 

Being friends wasn’t a good choice. 

Yes, eventually it would be depending on the circumstances. 

If it’s not, we have to let it go.

Goodbye.

DECISION

Hi.

Decision is the only thing that we need to do for every second in our life. We have to decide what we want to do next. Do we need to this or that? Is it necessary? Even, we have to decide what we want to eat? Where we want to eat? When we going to sleep? 

Decision is the hardest thing to be made. 

Sometimes, decision that we made is only valid to the particular time. We can't expect what will come from anything.

We can only expect things from ourself.

Yes. 

Decision to continue alive

Decision to eat

Decision to shower

Decision to do work

Decision to sleep

Decision to get in love

Decision to leave

Decision to let go

Everything. And I choose to let it go.

Meaningful Talk

Stress level is high

Some people saying that we should not be worried what will happen next, the only thing that we need to do is just do our work. We have done so much. We have sacrifice so much. 

The first thing is I appreciate all things that my team has done.

I can't afford them to give more because they already gave all.

Am I the failure? Yes, I am. I was not firm enough to defend my team. I was not good enough in planning.

I have the plan, but it was ruined by unnecessary opinion and wants.

Sorry to the people that I look for sharing my problem.

Talking is the only thing I can do to release my stress, thanks also for cheer me up.

This is not the first time. I think already many times. Sorry.

Actually there are many times before I wanted to talk but I refused to do so since there is boundary that I should not across. However, some people know me well and actually know that I am looking for someone to talk. 

I remember, I had night-talk because I have no idea for my essay which ended up my essay won first place.

I remember, I had night-talk because I have problem with my study. I hate biology and I have exam the next day and I couldn't sleep which finally I got A-.

I remember, I had night-talk because of my problems.

I remember, I had long-journey-talk to talk about everything.

Thank you for being there, really appreciate it.

PROMOTED FROM D TO B

 I was promoted from D to B.

Yes D to B. It is not a grade but theoretically yes. After 3 years being the walking dead employee in the company. Some people saying that I just a redundant to the company, some people say what am I doing or what task assign to in the office. Talking about me huh? Only 1 finger goes to me but 4 fingers appointed to you. 

I promoted from Data Analyst to Business Analyst. My DA was not functioning as supposed but I did another task. 

Since August 2021, I was appointed as the project coordinator to a project, which is third project. I promised to myself to do better than previous projects. Out of sudden I was expected to be the subject matter expert (SME) for the project meanwhile I know nothing, not nothing but only 10%, only the introduction. I was managed a POC for this system but the development not completed as supposed since it is only POC maybe. From the POC, I already met the technical team. To be honest, I was not really confident managing the POC but now I am. 

Back to the story, the first week of the project is the introduction session which I already afraid of the project's journey haha. The second week we started the requirement collecting session, and was failed on the first day haha. Boss had to join us on the second day and forth. After the requirement session, I still need boss to come along for any meeting but there are some meetings that he is not coming and still cant handle the meeting, however the project manager able to lead the meeting. Those meeting was specifically regarding accounting and integration where I am zero at. Fuhh. 

There was 1 meeting that I was capable to lead with some help from boss which is registration part. When it comes to accounting part, I failed. Right after the meeting, boss asked me why I was not confident as the registration session? Boss, I failed accounting. 

To cut it short, I vigorously make effort to understand all the modules and items in the system until I am capable to re-do the SRS documents. I started to handle the meeting by myself after the mid of Nov 2021, I conduct the walkthrough of the test case for UAT preparation. Proud of me. Big clap!

Then, it started to less and not sleep, no weekend, no holiday, no off day to be exact. I grateful to have a team, a small team which giving full commitment to the project. Very grateful. 

But I feel wasting time because we spent months for something that not making us going anywhere we still at the UAT stage for months. Sometimes I thinking, what we were doing? We not achieving something in complete because we were interrupted with unnecessary testing session which also causing not well-managed project. I hope I could manage the project better on the next part and phase, better negotiation. 

I was cried many times lately due to stress with lots of work and timeline to chase. 

And there is 1 time I was with a user discuss on the requirements and process flow, I receive bunch of email on testing, I was stressed and cried. I text my boss saying that I cant afford to have all those testing straight in 3 days. And command for EOT come out hahahaha. Note for boss, I only will say something when I have to, when I am saying something, meaning that I had enough. 

All effort paid off with unlocking an achievement being promoted to another level. Alhamdulillah. 

There are lots of story to tell along the journey of this project. 

 

Knowledge Never Ending

Have been busy with working life, it is very tiring but I enjoy it while it can.

I have been improving my performance from last year. I try my best to execute my task to contribute my effort to the company that I have been 4 years employed. To be honest my contribution to RENTAP project was disappointed where I was not play my role, I did not execute my task as it supposed. 

But I realised I am capable to do more than I have done.

Until the time comes, I try and try until I never expect to be like now. I achieved the really busy and hectic life. I am satisfied. 

Slowly I am learning the system, how people develop a system, what is required to develop a system, how the arrangements, how it managed and whatnots.

Work is never ending until you dead. Even though you are not employed and you being a housewife, you still work and learn how to be a successful housewife, manage the house chores, manage the family, manage the finance and etc. 

I proud of myself. Really. I am capable to do a lot of things, yea I admit that the task not really executed as  expected, half cooked haha. Lots to improve. Seeking for help and advise from the senior. 

Currently learning the postpaid system, not whole which including the each of party involved such as network thingy I think. Specifically the system. It is interesting even though bulk, a lot and very challenging mentally and physically. Tired physical and mental. Sometimes burned out but need to motivate myself, work is not about yourself, it is about the team.

.

I am waiting and looking for another challenges and knowledge that I could learn. 

FEELING LONELY

I rented a room since I started work at Shah Alam. More than 4 years already. The people in this house move in and out. Most of the tenant moved out because of they are getting married and finished their intership. 

I had 4 friends literally that I really can be friends. 

The first one was my colleague. Even though we rarely met due to the different working hour. She works under the support or operation department meanwhile I development department. The support team working hours is 24 hours and shift. We only met when we have a staff meeting each of 3 months or I come to Celcom for a meeting. When we are at home, sometimes we talk.

Second is my roommate. She is really nice person. Talkative. I shared lots of stories with her. But during she is my roommate, I rarely stay at Shah Alam almost a year. Until she getting married and I felt losing someone in my life. I lost a roommate. 

After that I received some new roommate but I don't really like them because of their behaviour. 

1. She touched my things and make a mess

2. She always lie down on my bed after got back from work. Dude, thats my bed.

3. She used/took my things without my permission. She broke my air freshener without telling sorry until I found out.

4. I don't really talk to this person, she love to lived in her world

Then, the third friend is also my roommate. Like sisters. We used to have dinner together, sometimes whenever I am free. We talked our things. We helped each other. Oh she is here because of internship. Until she finished her internship and I again feeling alone. 

That is why I don't really like to be really attached with someone, people come and go. We never know.

UNACCEPTABLE PERCEPTION

 I wonder sometimes, is it necessary to help people at the kitchen when you are meeting or visit your boyfriend's parents for the first time?

Does it?

I personally don't really like to having the guest to come to the kitchen to help us to prepare for drinks or food. Then, why should I. In fact that is your house and I am the guest for the first time, I need to wash the dishes? I need to prepare the drinks? I need to prepare the food? Hello! Then you la come to my house and I will prepare for all.

For me, the guest is the guest, except I came for the tens times and I already know all the people in the house, familiar with all the people. Just imagine, your brother bring his girlfriend for the first time and you want her to sapu sampah, or kemas rumah, suddenly wash the dishes where you are just finished your lunch with all the family. Tiber!

And is it wrong for me to not do those things?

I will do when I want to do it. Don't ask me that I need to do this and that. I know when the right time I need to action. I am not that rude when I finished eating and not wash the dishes myself. 

But whatever people to think, you want to say that I was rude? Go ahead.